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October 15th – Not just any other day…


October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It is a day that passes by unnoticed by most, but for those who have experienced the pain of Child-loss…it is certainly not forgotten.

If you have lost a child, while during pregnancy, birth or even after… you probably have encountered people lacking sensitivity to this subject. That whole saying, “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say it at all”- lets abolish that right now because “nice” is a relative term. Some people that think they are being nice, even providing comfort – can really tear your heart out due to the lack of understanding on this subject. Here are some of the comments that I received after the loss of my 2 babies…

1. Well at least it was early on in the pregnancy…

2. At least you didn’t get to know the baby and then it died…

3. You can have other children…

4. It wasn’t really a baby- it was just tissue…

5. Maybe babies that God knows will die- don’t have souls…

6. Maybe God is punishing you for something you did…

These ignorant statements (made by people that really did not mean any harm to me) are just that, ignorant. People simply do not know what to do or say in these situations, yet they feel compelled to say something- anything really. The problem is, usually that “anything” is hurtful. Diminishing the loss is not only unhelpful to the grieving process, it is destructive. We need to feel the pain, in order to accept the loss and to move forward. But please understand that moving forward does not mean forget. Women never forget the children once held inside their own bodies and outsiders need to realize this and stop expecting them to get over it.

This is why awareness is so important.  We, as women need to talk about loss. If we can achieve even a fraction of understanding as it pertains to miscarriage, and child loss- then we will be able to grieve better, recover faster and help others in the same situation better.

There will be a candlelight service here in Baton Rouge, LA to memorialize the little ones, lost to this world but never lost to our hearts. It will be October 15th at Baringer Rd Park. Sign in starts at 7:00 PM.

To learn more you can visit http://www.october15th.com for more information.


4 thoughts on “October 15th – Not just any other day…

  1. I am sorry that those things were said to you. The last three shocked me! I have not experienced the grief of losing a child so I don’t have the same perspective as you. I know I usually just don’t say anything because I know, like you said, sometimes even things said that may seem comforting can actually hurt…then I feel bad for not saying anything at all! Is there anything that can be said (of course only if it’s genuine and not because it’s “the right thing to say”)? I know every woman is different, but in situations where a friend has lost a child (or someone I just met), I wonder “does she want to talk about it, should I ask questions?” or should you just let your friend share without your urging? I’d be interested in what ways people can respond positively that would be encouraging.

    • I think that since everyone is different, listening is key. I think the best thing to say is “I’m sorry this has happened, if you need to talk, I am here.” (Only say this if you are actually comfortable with someone talking to you about this…if not, stop at “Im sorry”.) In this statement, there are no opinions, no diminishing of feelings, and no assumptions. Then if that person chooses to talk to you, carefully listen and feed off of their cues. I wanted to talk about it but I was sick of people thinking that just because I was talking about it- it was a free for all as to what they could say. Or that I needed them to fix it. There is nothing that can be said or done that can “fix” it. If you know the person well- My opinion is hug them, a real hug and hug them tight. That says everything that you cannot with your voice. To me, it is the ultimate comfort measure.

      • Thank you Josie and Wendy for sharing more on this. It really is insightful and very helpful. And I keep thinking about the first two comments you listed, Josie, and I feel that only those who have not been pregnant before could *maybe* think that way. I know for me with both pregnancies it’s an immediate bond. It doesn’t matter how early on in a pregnancy it is, that is a little life and it is precious to you the moment you learn it is there.

  2. I agree , All I really needed was someone to talk to. They didn’t even have to talk back, just listen. Just give me a big ((HUG)) and let me cry, scream, vent etc. Don’t forget about me and my sweet little angel. Just because they are out of sight, doesn’t mean that they are out of mind (like I’ve been told over and over and over again). The thing that really hurt me the worse was when my husband asked his sister if she was coming to our house (this was quite a while after our loss). She told him, “Only if y’all take the picture(s) of Anah down. I can’t look at her.” Yes, I understand people handle grief differently but to refuse to come to my house due to pictures of my daughter being up, really?!?!?! She is a member of this family too even though she is in heaven. I’m not asking her to put up pictures of Anah and I’m not going to ask anyone to take down picture(s) of the child or children rather they be in heaven or on Earth.
    Not a day goes by that I don’t think of my Anah. Now watching my two rainbows (child/children born after child loss) I can’t help but think “what would she look like?” or “What would she be teaching them?” As I plan birthday parties, I think to myself “I should be planning birthday parties for 3 not 2”. I should have a 4 yo, 2 yo, and 6 mo. As my other two get older, I will explain to them more about their sister and the reason I was able to have them was because of her.
    Sorry for going on and on, this is a really close subject to my heart! I guess what I’m trying to say is, just listen.

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